Rants

It’s Not That I Don’t Want To Sleep

It’s not that I don’t want to sleep. It’s the fact that I can’t sleep. It’s the fact that I don’t like the sight of light. It’s the fact that darkness is my light. It’s the fact that I want to sleep but can’t.

Who knows one day I might actually be able to wake up at 8am when my alarm goes off and not 9:30am and have to rush around. Who knows one day I may wake up at 8am and have the life I want to have. Waking up at 8am, going and having a shower. Putting my clean suit on and then going and making breakfast and having coffee and sitting down to Bloomberg while eating my breakfast.

Who knows, one day I may start actually caring about myself. Miracles can happen. One day it may happen to me. I don’t feel alone in a room full of people. I don’t feel alone by my own.

I guess I’ve never actually cared about my self. I’ve always cared about other people. I’ve never felt like what I have is something I’ve deserved. I’ve never felt good enough for anything. I’ve always felt alone but at the same time not alone. I’ve felt on top of the world as in “I can do it today. I can have the life I want” and then it comes to the morning and well it’s 9:30am and the process repeats.

I’m stuck in a hole and can’t get out of it. I always say. This will fix it or doing this will fix it. But nothing ever does. I guess I would say I’m lost in a world that’s not the world for me. I want to do so much. But why can’t I do it. Why can’t I get up when my alarm goes off in a morning. Why can’t I do it. I don’t care about routine or breaking the status quo. I just want to have my own life. Once that I enjoy. And the one I’ve got now is not being enjoyed.

It’s currently 1:07am and if I go to sleep now. I won’t wake up on time so I will most likely stay up all night and day till I just pass out. I do this a lot. It’s like a vicious circle.

If anyone has any suggestions or recommendations I’d love to hear it.

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